Existential Canvas Crisis!

One of the things I've been doing lately is trying to articulate the feelings I have when encountered with a blank canvas. I used post-it notes to write down as many words I could think of that express this notion. I got the idea from one the sessions we had about 3 weeks back when we used a similar technique to describe a painting in one of the galleries at the Castle Museum. I remember feeling incredibly frustrated that although I described the painting as I saw it, that language will always hinder communication. It is a self destructive tool.

I'm often faced with ideas or concepts that I can't communicate to others, I can bearly articulate their meaning. Often, I have thoughts that could only be described to others by first describing the thought processes that preceded the thought, this would be incredibly laborious and is near impossible. I only describe it as near impossibility rather than full blown impossibility as I haven't tried it out!

Either way, language is an absurd concept. It is utilised for communication. Learnt from childhood so that we can express ourselves, yet, as with most things it is extremely complex and can often emcumber us with too much detail or none at all! There are some things that I can not possibly say because there exist in English no word or symbol for. Add visual language to the equation and you're set for misinterpretation AND inability to articulate...Argh!

Here are the words I came up with:

Rectangle
White
Blank
Canvas
Rough Surface
Untouched
Nothing
Daunting
Looming
Challenging
Ominous
Intimidating
Empty
Absence
Nothingness
Unknown
Void
Uncertainty
?! - this represents feeling I can not express/articulate/communicate etc.
Scared
Unsure
Self-conscious
Mental Block
Potential (To Ruin)
Inarticulacy
Inability
Inadequate
Self-doubt
Fear
Frustration
Anguish
Paranoia
Defeat

Quite dramatic, yes...but I do seem to get myself incredibly worked up about a blank canvas. I also uploaded another entry today called "Untitled". It's a fictionalised account of my battle with the canvas.

Anyhow, here is the image from the aforementioned session just to show you how t inspired me. Below it are images of the task I set myself to challenge the blank canvas. Apologies for the awful quality of some of the pictures, some were from my camera phone!

Simulating the Unknown Into the Known

There is no edge to language...

There are no truthes or privileged vantage points when it comes to seeking knowledge, just different perspectives. Nietzsches perspectivism may seem contradictory as it is impossible for his view to be true is it is merely a perspective. All metaphysical truthes are illusory or metaphorical.

Anything we can conceptualise or articulate is an approximation, a falsehood that hides itself under a cloak of language. They are illusions that we have convientely forgotton are illusions. We in a sense, trick ourselves because it is practical and convienient given the nature of communication with one another.

We can claim to know about concepts as things in themselves, for example when we talk of a book we claim to possess knowledge that it is a book, however we can only possess concepts that make up a book like 'words' and 'pages' then in turn possess these individual concepts. What makes up words? or pages? letters? and so on. We only have metaphors for everything. Everything is a metaphor for something else.

Metaphors are covered in concepts, for Nietzsche we must realise that we have forgotton that concepts consist of various metaphorical constructs.

By creating new narratives from an existing one as I do within my work, I am intentionally trying to illuminate Nietzschean perspectivism. There is no truth as such, only relative truthes. We utilise 'truthes' in order to convince ourselves that we possess knowledge. Everything is a metaphor! This is also what inspired my Nietzschean poetry. Books and Nietzsche's work are both things which interest me and as such I hold very dear. This forms the basis for the work I am doing. I feel my playfulness is also something which is influenced heavily by Nietzsche's indulgence in wordplay!

Of course my work is also a comment about myself and the value judgements I place upon literature, highlighting my own snobbery and elitism, which I do not and will not make excuses for! So there! (If you could capture me photographically at this moment, you would see me childishly poking out my tongue!)

The Absurdity of Language and Art Therapy

And so it begins...

Currently working on a number of projects for my MA course.Thinking about the absurdity of language and words.Wondering whether I'm hungry or thirsty, or both.Embarking on a highly psychological test of strength.Contemplating the contents of my proposal.
One of my projects is exploring the relationship between the self (individual ego) and society (collective ego) through art therapy- in short, I've decided to document a series of art therapy exercises. This is going well in so far as I'm being more productive- I have something concrete to do- a task, or series of, (I guess I dislike the freedom of my actions sometimes). While I enjoy being productive and I feel as if I'm not just wasting my time I'm also feeling a tad anxious at what my "self-therapy" will dredge up from the depths of my subconscious. Already (that's a week and a half of exercises) I'm starting to realise that there are a number of issues I haven't dealt with, emotional issues. The kind that you push to the back of your mind because you've got shit to do, people to see, places to go and an appointment on tuesday. Little did I know that I have issues with myself sexually, issues with my own femininity and repressed feelings relating to my position within my family unit. Woo! 10 points for emotional fuck-uppery
Let me explain, I'm only documenting this "blog" (I fucking hate that word by the way) because I want to be able to look back at it in some future time and reflect on my therapeutic process and/or/most likely think, "what a fool I was" and smile because I know things now that I didn't then and that makes me feel extremely smug. Future me has kicked past me (or should that be present me?) in the shin. Future will know that it was all necessary of course...she's not a complete arrogant fuck you know.Anyhow, every inch of myself wants to ditch this art therapy idea because it's too personal but what got me interested in this was a musing on autobiography, we had a few sessions about it at uni and some of the readings I had got me thinking about the truth in biography/autobiography. Or more accurately the intense battle between the two for validity and truth.
Biographies have this air of being inaccurate or false in some way, people do not trust ghost writers or unofficial biographies. It's easy to see why, maybe too easy, they haven't been written by the person in question, who knows the fuller, truer account. Yet, often, autobiographies are flawed. Every act, when made external, whether it's writing or conversing is aware of it's own existence in the exterior world; it has a place like everything else and it knows it does. What I mean is we can't escape the influence of our external world, the pressures of society are constantly upon us. Everything we do depends on where we are, who we are around and who might be watching. whether it's some God-like being, an authority figure such as a police officer or the guy down the road who you happen to find extremely attractive and you hope will notice you as you play with your hair and pout seductively as you're bringing the milk in on a sunday morning.
We're too quick to judge and attack biographies for being second hand knowledge despite the fact they are more factual than autobiographies which tend to be fictitious in narrative and style. The author knows and is aware that his or her work/documentation will be read so will often without realising it will edit, elaborate and exaggerate the truth in order to entertain their reader. The 3rd person view is better placed to state the facts whereas the 1st person is too interwined and tangled up in their own life to be able to document it objectively. Although maybe this is where the problem lies? We seek knowledge and truth and assume it will be objective. Perhaps we should see the truth in the subjective 1st person accounts. Quite the Nietzschean perspective I guess; everything is a metaphor for something else, knowledge is relative and all that...interesting to see where this project will take me.
My other project on the other hand is about the absurdity of words and language and also comes from my musings on autobiography. Not sure how I'm going to go about it yet but I want to explore the strengths and weaknesses of visual language versus written or spoken word. This project has to be about the self so I'm thinking about perhaps looking at my favourite works of fiction as reading is a big part of my life and finding ways to explore their meaning visually. My job as a bookseller will hopefully aid me in some way...at least that's the plan batman.

See my next blog entry for an update: